Patina

“Yes, I’m a sore loser, if that’s what you wanna call it. To me, I just like to win. I only wanna win. Anything else is…false. Fake. But real.”

Patty reacts to coming in second place in her race. Her disappointment manifests as anger because she views it as her responsibility to win races. Her identity as a runner is wrapped up in wanting to honor her deceased father, her mother who can no longer run, and her younger sister, and so to lose feels as if she is letting down her family as well as herself.

“I would’ve smashed each and every one of them cups on the floor. And I would’ve smashed more of them two years later when my mother had two toes cut off her right foot. And six months after that, when she had that whole foot cut off. And six months after that–three years ago–when my mother had both her legs chopped off, which, I’m telling you, would’ve left the whole stupid cabinet empty. Broken mugs everywhere. Nothing left to drink from. But I didn’t. Instead, I just swallowed it all. And wished this was all some kind of invisible, pretend…something. But it wasn’t.”

Patty explains the anger she feels after her father’s passing and mother’s leg amputations. This passage also shows the origins of Patty swallowing her emotions rather than expressing or processing them.

“I was waiting for them to ask. Waiting for them to be normal. Or at least treat me normal.”

Because of the responsibilities she takes on at home, and because of the events of her past, Patty feels like she doesn’t fit in at her wealthy charter school. Patty tries to make small talk with her group project partners about their weekends, but she is disappointed when they do not reciprocate. To Patty, their insensitivity is just another sign that she doesn’t belong.