If I Grow Up

Todd Strasser’s If I Grow Up is a 2009 YA novel about a young teen’s struggles in the inner-city projects of Chicago. The protagonist, DeShawn, faces gang violence, shootouts, drug dealers, and the fear that he might never get a chance to grow up. Strasser is a writer and the founder of a fortune cookie company. He has written over 140 books for teens and children, including The Wave, Boot Camp, and Can’t Get There From Here.

DeShawn is having a hard time in the Frederick Douglass projects of Chicago. The streets are filled with gangs, guns, and drugs. His mother was killed in a gang shootout when he was young, leaving DeShawn’s grandmother to raise him and his sister Nia. He’s hoping he can find a way out for himself, an escape route that doesn’t involve joining a gang for his own protection. He knows the consequences of joining would be dangerous: a near-certain pathway to violence or jail time. That’s not what he wants for himself.

He’s surrounded by dropouts and students who don’t make an effort. DeShawn isn’t like them: he works hard to get good grades. He hopes that they’ll lead the way to a good job and a good life someday, something better than the life he’s been born into. DeShawn’s sixth grade teacher notices his potential and offers him the opportunity to get out of the inner-city school for a better magnet school called Hewlett Academy. Hewlett would be able to offer him a much more rigorous and challenging education, one that would open up possibilities for him. But DeShawn declines. He doesn’t want to leave his friends behind. He tells his teacher he’ll think about it, but he knows he won’t follow through.



DeShawn’s best friend, Terrell, isn’t like him: Terrell dreams of joining neighborhood gang the Douglass Disciples. By the time the boys are in 8th grade, he becomes a member of the gang. He tries to talk DeShawn into joining with him, but DeShawn refuses. He wants to keep his head down and focus on school. He starts dating Tanisha, the sister of Rance, the leader of a rival gang called the Gentry Gangstas. He’s not worried about the rivalry: after all, he isn’t a gang member, so that doesn’t matter.

Meanwhile, DeShawn’s sister Nia becomes a teenage mother and drops out of school to take care of her babies. Her boyfriend is dead at 17: Rance shot him in the back of the head. Her children, like so many others in the projects, will grow up without a father. DeShawn’s grandmother is becoming frail, barely able to get herself out of bed. The family’s budget is tighter than ever, and everyone is going hungry. Nia, desperate, begins to take the formula meant for her babies herself, and sometimes feeds them sugar-water instead of anything with nutrition. It’s all she has.

Finally, DeShawn breaks down, drops out of school, and joins the Douglass Disciples. The leader, Marcus, has offered him a place. Marcus is kind to him, becoming like a father to the parentless boy. He is impressed with DeShawn’s potential, just as DeShawn’s 6th grade teacher was, and immediately makes the boy the gang’s 3rd in command.



Soon, DeShawn is making good money. It’s not enough to leave the projects, but the family is able to make improvements to their apartment, and they’re no longer struggling to buy groceries. But his life isn’t much easier. He’s in love with Tanisha, and being her boyfriend could become a source of conflict. Tanisha becomes pregnant, and they have a son together. DeShawn stays with her through it all, despite threats from Rance.

One day, DeShawn goes with Marcus and another Disciples member, Jamar, to buy several AK-47s from a dealer. DeShawn realizes the dealer is offering them fewer guns than he has, and tells Marcus privately to ask for six guns, not the three he’s been offering. Marcus trusts DeShawn and asks for six guns. The dealer says he’ll see what he can do.

Later, Marcus is told to meet the dealer and Jamar alone. Suspicious, he secretly brings DeShawn along for backup, telling him to conceal himself in the backseat with a gun. When Marcus steps out of the car, Jamar shoots him. DeShawn gets away unseen.



The next day, Jamar calls, telling DeShawn that Marcus has been shot and to meet up with the rest of the gang. DeShawn does, pretending he doesn’t know that Jamar shot Marcus. He confides only in his best friend, Terrell, that Jamar is a traitor and killed Marcus so he could take over the Disciples himself. The news drives Terrell into a fury. He finds Jamar and kills him in revenge. But that puts him in danger. It turns out Jamar was friends with Rance.

Terrell immediately regrets killing Jamar, fearing that Rance will come after him now. DeShawn tells him to get out of town and lie low for his own protection. As for DeShawn, he has now ascended to leadership over the Douglass Disciples. He meets with Rance to discuss the situation. They decide that the Gangstas and the Disciples will join into a single gang called the Gangsta Disciples, with Rance and DeShawn as co-leaders. DeShawn is only 16 and he is now running one of the city’s biggest gangs.

Rance abuses his power and doesn’t distribute the gang’s money fairly between members. DeShawn is tasked with killing Rance to end his leadership. He picks up William, Tanisha and Rance’s little brother, and brings him to the meeting. While he talks with Rance, DeShawn suddenly pulls a gun out from under the table and points it at William—then aims at Rance and fires, telling him this is revenge for killing Nia’s boyfriend.



Rance is dead, but he gets a revenge of his own. He had feared DeShawn would try to kill William, so he went to the police and set up cameras in the room where they met, thinking he would capture the murder on film. He has captured his own murder instead. DeShawn is sent to prison at age 18.

The novel skips ahead 10 years. DeShawn is 28 and still in prison, where he will probably stay for the rest of his life. He receives letters from the rest of his family, including Terrell, who has successfully escaped the projects. Terrell works on a farm and has a family of his own. DeShawn is glad to hear that his friend is safe and well.

If I Grow Up received mixed reviews. Kirkus Review noted that while Strasser’s “heart is definitely in the right place,” the plot and themes are unsubtle, with “dated, unrealistic dialogue.” Publisher’s Weekly noted that Strasser comes from a much more privileged background than his characters, and found the book inauthentic, if well-meaning. The book was named a Notable Social Studies Trade Book for Young People.